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More About All About Jazz

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All About Jazz is to jazz on the Internet what Miles Davis was to moody bastards with trumpets
Hey, kids, remember that time I wrote an article about the history and development of All About Jazz? Those were good times, weren't they? Things were simpler then, the world was new and full of promise, the good Roosevelt was in the White House and the Cubs were on their way to winning the World Series. But dark clouds of war were looming on the horizon, and we still had that whole Renée Zellweger-Kenny Chesney thing to go through yet.

And life goes on.

One of the things that both jazz and the Internet have in common is the constancy of change. Jazz is forever reconsidering and reinventing itself, as is this primordial stew of information, ideas, commerce and pornography we call the Internet. Both jazz and the Internet are never content to be the same creation twice. Which is perhaps why the Internet has proven to be an ideal medium for jazz, and why All About Jazz is to jazz on the Internet what Miles Davis was to moody bastards with trumpets (see also Baker, Chet).

In the time since the last article appeared, AAJ has continued to evolve and adapt to the ever-changing world of jazz in the Information Age. Not content with merely being the premiere jazz web site in the free world (and even the premium world, which costs $24.95 a month but has a lot more exclusive content), AAJ has stayed abreast of a world where the big mural of a once-homogenous culture is now revealed as 290 million individual pixels in mosaic.

I'm certain there's some powerful social commentary contained in that last sentence, but that's beside the point and it's running close to suppertime as it is.

So time is marching on, and AAJ with it (well, we don't actually march. People point when you do that, especially in the mall). We've expanded our already-exhaustive coverage of jazz and included many features to augment the jazz lifestyle. We've stayed at the forefront of evolving Internet technologies to provide an up-to-the-minute experience for our visitors. And, while our highly anticipated all-you-can-eat catfish buffet has never quite come together to our satisfaction, our 62-topping potato bar has done quite well and we look forward to the addition of our two latest toppings (roasted chipotle peppers and Chiclets).

One of the most anticipated additions to AAJ has been the My AAJ feature, which allows a level of personalization heretofore unavailable without iron-on letters and a Dymo label maker. Want to know when the latest Genius Guide is posted? Want to know where the hottest gigs are, or the moment your favorite artist releases a new CD? Thanks to XML and RSS, AAJ can do that. Want to know every time your favorite artist goes to the bathroom? Then you need professional help which, thanks to Dr. Judith Schlesinger and Victor L. Schermer, AAJ can provide.

Another exciting development is the introduction of AAJ merchandise. Going beyond the expected coffee mugs and T-shirts, Admiral Ricci has negotiated the AAJ name onto a variety of products designed to maximize our brand awareness. From the AAJ cardiac defibrillator to the AAJ combination fish scale and hook remover to a full line of AAJ scented body oils and personal lubricants, the scope of products available is as diverse as the people who listen to jazz. We'll also be rolling out the AAJ hybrid car, as soon as we are able to perfect harnessing the kinetic power of jazz as an alternative fuel source with the use of a corrected version of Einstein's theory of relativity; E(energy)=M (Monk) times C (Coltrane). Einstein's mistake was squaring because, as you well know, there are no squares in jazz.

Perhaps one of the more useful features for the jazz lifestyle espoused by AAJ is the Hip-O-Meter. Rating the relative Hipness of over 3.5 million things and adding more daily, you need never worry about making another un-hip choice again. Should you have the meatloaf plate or the grilled Chilean sea bass?

That sounds like a gimme, but wait; the meatloaf is the hipper choice by benefit of its retro appeal, comfort-food cred, unpretentious presentation and the fact that it comes with your choice of two vegetables.

So then.

Always on top of the latest Internet trends, we've also recently rolled out our exclusive Sports Book and Online Poker. If you like Medeski, Martin and Wood and the Bengals by 3½ on the road, we're the site for you. Try your hand at Ornette Coleman Hold 'Em (everything's wild, because the only value the cards have is what you assign to them in the limited frame of your own experience). This is not a gambling site, but I'll lay you 3-to-1 that you don't care.

We've also unveiled what is sure to be one of our most visited features, the AAJ Googleâ"¢ Trap. Sex Lost Britney hurricane weather butt video Jennifer Lopez dictionary Kanye West. PSP Ipod large+breasts 50 Cent Desperate Housewives AND naked OR nude. Harry Potter travel Terrell Owens.

Another development we're very proud of is the AAJ NASCAR initiative. Reaching out for underserved potential audiences in the rural South, look for the number 46 AAJ car driven by Bob "Post-Bop Browning. Not only does it open a whole new world of marketing opportunities, just think of the possibilities raised by a good ol' boy blasting Al DiMeola from his pick-up with a bumper sticker in his back window that reads "If you don't like Joe Pass, you can kiss my rebel ass.

Beat the Christmas rush and embrace the concept now.

AAJ devotees are also very excited about our exclusive Jazz Fantasy League. With real-time stats on over 3,500 current and Hall of Fame musicians, you can make informed decisions on which players to draft and which to trade. Louis Armstrong for Chris Botti might seem like a sucker bet, until you consider that Botti has a new CD coming out soon while Armstrong is still on the DL suffering lingering effects of being dead for 34 years. You can also build your own dream ensembles. Want to see Mingus on bass, Gene Krupa on drums, Michel Petrucciani on piano and Django Reinhardt on guitar? Just plug in your picks and our exclusive system will calculate precisely how much of your life you've wasted that you could have been out getting a date or something.

Such as that is.

It is a well-known fact that jazz fans are hipper, smarter, and more attractive than the average (using Baltimore Colts Hall of Fame tackle Art Donovan and One Day at a Time star Bonnie Franklin as a baseline). It is only natural that they should want to seek the company of others of their ilk, which is why AAJ has introduced our wildly popular Personals. Are you a SHC (Single Hep Cat) seeking a SHC (Single Happenin' Chick) for SHC (Some Hot Coupling)? Don't worry, AAJ has the SHC (Slammin' HTML Code) for you. 1,042 more definitions for the abbreviation SHC available for only $4 from www.shcmeans.biz.

Moving along.

Remember when streaming media on the Internet was reduced to AM transistor radio-quality sound and postage stamp-sized video that looked like it was being hand-animated by a kindergarten class with a cigar box full of broken crayons? Thanks to advances in media compression technologies and exponential increases in available bandwidth, AAJ is now able to offer a multimedia experience that rivals the country's finest drive-in theaters.

Along the same lines, we've also delved into the exciting new world of Podcasting. And before you go into an Invasion of the Body Snatchers-inspired panic and believe that AAJ is somehow responsible for sending coded messages to evil aliens who have come to steal our identities, remember that Podcasting is simply a homegrown distribution model where audio material is encoded in MP3 format and made available via download. It has absolutely nothing to do with insidious mind-stealing creatures from another planet. Nothing. And no one will ever believe such a ludicrous story. No one.

But I digress.

Perhaps one of Monsignor Ricci's favorite developments is the addition of the AAJ Wine Bar. Over 350 wines from all over the world are available for download by the glass or by the bottle. Simply click on your selection, download the .vin file, dispense and pour. Requires USB 2.0, Adobe Alcobat 6.4 or higher. Oenotech's Pourstation sold separately at Circuit City, Best Buy, CompUSA and The Grape Escape locations nationwide.

So there you have it, the latest advancements to keep AAJ and its faithful at the cutting edge of both jazz and technology. Be sure and stay with us as we continue to boldly forge into the 21st century at the forefront of Our Music on the Internet. Till next month, kids, exit to your right and enjoy the rest of AAJ.

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